Funny Money

Inspector Dapperling jumps to his feet. "'Counterfeit money' did you say, Constable Pellet?"

The large Guinea pig, clutching my collar, nods vigorously. "Yessir! This 'ere bit of a girl mouse tried to pay for this newspaper--" He waves Exhibit A over my head. "--with it. Go on. Show 'im!" he growls at my ear. He shoves me forward.

"Steady on, Pellet," Felix admonishes, fighting a smirk at my indignation.

I turn out my pinafore pockets and dump my remaining cash onto the Inspector's desk. Both mouse and Guinea pig goggle at the dough... a whole £5 53p. Barely enough for a decent cheese sandwich and a soda in my time. A small fortune apparently by 1922 standards, telling by the looks on their faces.

"You see, sir?" Pellet hoots in triumph, pointing at the boodle. "'Oo's face izzat on them coins and itty bitty bills, eh? Hepzibah XII? And 'oozzat when she's at 'ome, eh?"

 "Yes, yes, Constable," Felix mutters.

"And whazzat year there? 2012? Gorblimey, that's 90 years from now." Pellet cuffs me upside the head. "You must think we're stupid or somethin'!" he snarls at me.

"All right, Pellet. That's quite enough!" Felix has the decency to be angry. "I'll handle this. You may go!"

The Constable turns to leave, grumbling.

"Wait!" my ancestor calls at his back. He digs a coin out of his waistcoat pocket and gives it to him. "Pay for the newspaper, will you? Never fear. That one's genuine, I assure you," he snaps when the Constable hesitates, staring suspiciously at the money. "Now go!"

Pellet starts to walk away. I snatch the newspaper tucked under his foreleg.

"I'll take that. Thank you!" I say tartly.

 He gives me a final, silent snarl and departs.

 When the door closes, Felix collapses into his chair, glowering at me. "I won't ask you why you disobeyed my orders and snuck out of the flat," he says with barely controlled fury. "No explanation can possibly justify your outrageous behavior."

"Felix--" I start.

He throws up his paws in exasperation. "How can you be so ungrateful? Here I am trying my best to protect you while we sort out this bizarre situation--"

"Felix!"

 "--putting my career and reputation at risk, and all based on some nonsense about monster rats from the future!"

 "FELIX!"

 "What?!"

 I thrust the newspaper, with its strange headline, at him. I peek around it, watching his eyes dart back and forth, reading. Finally, he sits back, folds his forelegs, and says, "Very interesting, I'm sure."

I goggle at him in disbelief. "Is that all you have to say?"

He nods. "That and so what? A bunch of odd bits of junk go missing from a naval yard. What is that supposed to mean?"

I turn the paper around and read the inventory of missing items aloud. "'Large shell casings, wire, dud explosives, charges, torpedo fins, propellers, engine components--" I look at him in horror. "--bullets'!" I toss the newspaper onto his desk. "All these things are large and/or dangerous. Just the sort of stuff useful to 'monster rats from the future' plotting a major crime!"

The Inspector shakes his head. "I don't know,  Prudence," he says doubtfully.

His phone rings. He answers it. "Inspector Dapperling here..."

A muffled voice, stern and frantic, comes over the wire.  Felix jumps to his feet. "Yessir, Commissioner." His face screws up in alarm. "Right. We'll be right there!"

Felix replaces the earpiece on the gallows phone and clumps it onto the desktop. He runs around the desk, grabbing my paw as he sprints to the door.

"Felix, what is it?" I ask breathlessly as he practically drags me from the office.

"We're to go directly to the Commissioner's office," he pants. "Winona Wensleydale, the Prime Minister's daughter, has just been discovered kidnapped!"